there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
