Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
