I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
