please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
