I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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