Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
