He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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