turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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