The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Found your dick twin last night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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