Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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