Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?