it wasn't lemon gatorade
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
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I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
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He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes