At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
