Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
