You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize