he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
