Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
