i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
