Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
