hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
