he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
