I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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