Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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I understand Curling. That high.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
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drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.