you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
