my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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