She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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