just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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