I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
