i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
