Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
