No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
