Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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