I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
