those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
