I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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