The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He shit in the fireplace
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
