I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
