I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
