i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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