I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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