I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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