i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
