it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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