Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we should paint friendship bongs
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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