I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
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Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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