I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
