I am puke
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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