I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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