This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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