I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
