So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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