I like to think it a success when the cops are called
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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