That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How external is "for external use only"?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
