just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
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The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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