I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
