Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize