Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
