I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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