You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
